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~ Aixplosion's All-Cigarette Ashtray Pancakes ~
Ingredients
A fistful of stale cigarette butts
Aim for variety: menthol, unfiltered, half-smoked, thoroughly stomped—whatever you can scavenge.
1 large onion’s worth of ash
You could burn an onion to charcoal, but it’s simpler to just scoop a handful of mixed ashes from multiple ashtrays. The more questionable, the better.
2 crushed filter scraps
Raid the bottom of your local smoke bin for these. Old filters are perfect for adding that squishy texture.
2 Tbsp. cigarette ash
Sift the ash through a fine mesh
A pinch of crumbled tobacco leaves
Mix in as much as your palate can handle.
6 Tbsp. leftover grease from a burned-out convenience store fryer
If it smells like old fries and scorched nicotine, you’re on the right track.
6 Tbsp. tar
Scoop congealed tar from smoked cigarettes (or the inside of an old smoker’s car window). Melt it down to a spreadable consistency.
Optional garnish: more ashes, or maybe a half-lit cigarette for flair.
Instructions
Preheat the oven to a 200°F.
Combine the stale cigarette butts in a large bowl. Crumble them up until they resemble coarse meal.
Add the ash. Don’t bother sifting out any large char pieces.
Sprinkle in the crushed filter scraps and watch them meld into the cigarette rubble.
Toss in the ash. Stir diligently until you create a grayish paste reminiscent of a neglected gutter. If it smells questionable, you’re doing it right.
Season with a pinch of crumbled tobacco leaves. Throw in a few extra if you want that sharp, bitter aftertaste.
Heat 1 Tbsp. of leftover fryer grease and 1 Tbsp. of tar in a battered skillet over medium-high heat. Once it starts to bubble and release a truly unpleasant odor, you’re ready to fry.
Drop 4 lumps of your cigarette-ash concoction into the skillet. Flatten them into pancake shapes—aim for a circular, vaguely horrifying patty.
Fry each side until it’s crispy around the edges and an alarming shade of dark gray (4–5 minutes per side). Transfer each “pancake” to a layer of paper towels to sop up any extra tar or grease.
Keep the pancakes warm in the oven. Between batches, carefully wipe out the skillet with a rag to preserve that treasured flavor of stale smoke. Repeat until all the batter is gone (or until your nose can’t take it anymore).
Serve with a drizzle of more melted tar, a sprinkling of ash on top, and a half-smoked cigarette perched on each pancake.
Now, stare at your creation in disbelief and wonder how life led you here. If you do attempt to eat it, may your taste buds (and stomach) find the mercy they deserve.